Vulnerability, fear, and shame

I've been listening to a book titled The Power of Vulnerability: Teachings of Authenticity, Connection, and Courage. I'm entering late in the game considering she published this book in 2012. My therapist recommended this author sometime last year. I find that it takes me time to follow up on her recommendations. Anyway, I find this topic quite fascinating and the author's storytelling is so authentic and entertaining. I can relate to her in many ways. The book can be intense if you use it to truly examine yourself. I was overwhelmed by the amount of information that I'll probably listen to it several times and maybe even take notes.

The book and my past experience with vulnerability, fear, and shame came into play at work of all places. We had a staff meeting which was arranged to fulfill our mandatory, annual requirement for diversity training. The staff lead, who was also the facilitator, showed three TED Talks on vastly different and unexpected (for diversity) topics:

• Invisible Diversity: A Story Of Undiagnosed Autism | Carrie Beckwith-Fellows | TEDxVilnius
• I was an MS-13 gang member. Here's how I got out. | Gerardo Lopez | TEDxMileHigh
• I am the son of a terrorist. Here's how I chose peace | Zak Ebrahim

After each showing, the facilitator invited us to share our thoughts. I hate sharing thoughts in a group, especially on such sensitive topics. I find that my emotions can be so intense that it's difficult to clearly express myself without anger or another strong emotion.

Surprisingly, a couple of people shared that their children have autism. One mother had an intense incident recently at home and when she shared that her son had autism, she started to cry. I sat next to her. I felt incredible sadness and empathy. I wanted to hug her and let her know she's not alone. I handed her a napkin to wipe her tears. The woman sitting on the other side of crying mother handed her a second napkin and held her hand as tears continued to stream. Other people averted their eyes. There was awkward silence. A couple of people continued to share their thoughts while the silent crying continued.

After the three videos were shown and the meeting ended, the mother, the woman who held her hand and I stayed. The facilitator came over to apologize to the mother. The mother also apologized for crying. I said there was no need for either to apologize. These things happen and we ALL have problems but don't talk about them. We encouraged the mother to seek professional help. I told her that my years of therapy has helped me in many ways especially with providing ideas and suggestions for other resources. 

There's this illusion that everyone else has perfect, dreamy lives and we are the only ones with messy, imperfect lives. Bullshit. We ALL have problems and I'm more than happy to talk about mine especially if it helps someone else to let go of the shame of carrying that "secret". We're so afraid of being vulnerable, appearing weak, seeming like we're screwed up or don't have ourselves together that it takes an emotional toll on our spiritual being. It takes courage to say I don't have it together. I need help. This is painful, shameful, and I'm afraid. I wasn't ashamed or embarrassed by the mother's display. I felt she was incredibly courageous and needed support and help. I offered to listen to her any time she needed to talk. We're all in this together and we need to support and uplift one another and not criticize and tear down. It's hard, I know. But it's vital to forming a more caring society and a better human bond.

Why get married?

Now that I'm at this age, I wonder why get married again? I'm not yet a senior citizen but I wonder why do people get married in their middle ages? What's the reason and purpose?

The way I see it, people get married to legally bind their commitment to one another. That's not a very romantic description but it's accurate enough. Psychology Today has an article about marriage commitments. This commitment can be an elaborate show in front of many people (in a wedding) or a quiet affair in front of two people (at a courthouse). Then they get to live happily ever after, right? Wrong. That's where the fairytale fails us. The story needs to continue to show how two separate individuals with different life experiences, expectations, values, fears, goals, and outside influences try to form a partnership that's intended to last to the end of their lives. It's far from easy and we don't get advance prepping to the real life situations and struggles we'll face along the way as a couple and how to overcome those.

How can we find our way when many of us come from broken or dysfunctional homes? We don't have examples of healthy relationships. We don't know how to set and adhere to boundaries. We don't understand mutual respect, support, and encouragement. Take two people with those emotional backgrounds, they get married, and then see how it's difficult to find a way to happily ever after? But the woman in me who looks through rose-colored glasses knows it's not impossible for that happy ending. It just didn't happen for me.

I have friends who have been married for decades and they've had it rough. There were times when they considered divorce but didn't. Life isn't easier; they still negotiate conflicts and disagreements. Sometimes they live in the same house but essentially separate lives. It seems that some settle into complacency. It's easier to continue down this path then take a different path. Then again, some may consider themselves or actually be happy.

I have a friend whose wife divorced him after 30-something years of marriage. He seemed surprised, really blindsided. But I don't understand how something like this is a surprise. Usually there are clues, signs, and maybe even billboards along the way. He wasn't happy for decades but he stayed married because he made a commitment. His parents stayed married until their deaths and that was his example of being married. He accepted his unhappiness in marriage because his commitment was more important. They didn't do anything together. He secluded himself whenever his in-laws came over. He formed friendships with others online as an escape from his life. He accepted this was his fate for the rest of his life. But, for some reason his wife decided it wasn't her fate and she filed for divorce. That angered and hurt him tremendously. Again, I found this curious. He was so unhappy and this was his way out. But, he felt betrayed. It took months for him to recover and sometimes he has flashbacks that anger him. But, I think he's on the path of acceptance and recovery. Now I hear he lament about the years he's wasted and regrets. It's sad. It's heart wrenching. But, what do you do to fix something that's been broken for so long when one or neither party acknowledges the need?

I need to let this sit for a while.