Now that I'm at this age, I wonder why get married again? I'm not yet a senior citizen but I wonder why do people get married in their middle ages? What's the reason and purpose?
The way I see it, people get married to legally bind their commitment to one another. That's not a very romantic description but it's accurate enough. Psychology Today has an article about marriage commitments. This commitment can be an elaborate show in front of many people (in a wedding) or a quiet affair in front of two people (at a courthouse). Then they get to live happily ever after, right? Wrong. That's where the fairytale fails us. The story needs to continue to show how two separate individuals with different life experiences, expectations, values, fears, goals, and outside influences try to form a partnership that's intended to last to the end of their lives. It's far from easy and we don't get advance prepping to the real life situations and struggles we'll face along the way as a couple and how to overcome those.
How can we find our way when many of us come from broken or dysfunctional homes? We don't have examples of healthy relationships. We don't know how to set and adhere to boundaries. We don't understand mutual respect, support, and encouragement. Take two people with those emotional backgrounds, they get married, and then see how it's difficult to find a way to happily ever after? But the woman in me who looks through rose-colored glasses knows it's not impossible for that happy ending. It just didn't happen for me.
I have friends who have been married for decades and they've had it rough. There were times when they considered divorce but didn't. Life isn't easier; they still negotiate conflicts and disagreements. Sometimes they live in the same house but essentially separate lives. It seems that some settle into complacency. It's easier to continue down this path then take a different path. Then again, some may consider themselves or actually be happy.
I have a friend whose wife divorced him after 30-something years of marriage. He seemed surprised, really blindsided. But I don't understand how something like this is a surprise. Usually there are clues, signs, and maybe even billboards along the way. He wasn't happy for decades but he stayed married because he made a commitment. His parents stayed married until their deaths and that was his example of being married. He accepted his unhappiness in marriage because his commitment was more important. They didn't do anything together. He secluded himself whenever his in-laws came over. He formed friendships with others online as an escape from his life. He accepted this was his fate for the rest of his life. But, for some reason his wife decided it wasn't her fate and she filed for divorce. That angered and hurt him tremendously. Again, I found this curious. He was so unhappy and this was his way out. But, he felt betrayed. It took months for him to recover and sometimes he has flashbacks that anger him. But, I think he's on the path of acceptance and recovery. Now I hear he lament about the years he's wasted and regrets. It's sad. It's heart wrenching. But, what do you do to fix something that's been broken for so long when one or neither party acknowledges the need?
I need to let this sit for a while.
The way I see it, people get married to legally bind their commitment to one another. That's not a very romantic description but it's accurate enough. Psychology Today has an article about marriage commitments. This commitment can be an elaborate show in front of many people (in a wedding) or a quiet affair in front of two people (at a courthouse). Then they get to live happily ever after, right? Wrong. That's where the fairytale fails us. The story needs to continue to show how two separate individuals with different life experiences, expectations, values, fears, goals, and outside influences try to form a partnership that's intended to last to the end of their lives. It's far from easy and we don't get advance prepping to the real life situations and struggles we'll face along the way as a couple and how to overcome those.
How can we find our way when many of us come from broken or dysfunctional homes? We don't have examples of healthy relationships. We don't know how to set and adhere to boundaries. We don't understand mutual respect, support, and encouragement. Take two people with those emotional backgrounds, they get married, and then see how it's difficult to find a way to happily ever after? But the woman in me who looks through rose-colored glasses knows it's not impossible for that happy ending. It just didn't happen for me.
I have friends who have been married for decades and they've had it rough. There were times when they considered divorce but didn't. Life isn't easier; they still negotiate conflicts and disagreements. Sometimes they live in the same house but essentially separate lives. It seems that some settle into complacency. It's easier to continue down this path then take a different path. Then again, some may consider themselves or actually be happy.
I have a friend whose wife divorced him after 30-something years of marriage. He seemed surprised, really blindsided. But I don't understand how something like this is a surprise. Usually there are clues, signs, and maybe even billboards along the way. He wasn't happy for decades but he stayed married because he made a commitment. His parents stayed married until their deaths and that was his example of being married. He accepted his unhappiness in marriage because his commitment was more important. They didn't do anything together. He secluded himself whenever his in-laws came over. He formed friendships with others online as an escape from his life. He accepted this was his fate for the rest of his life. But, for some reason his wife decided it wasn't her fate and she filed for divorce. That angered and hurt him tremendously. Again, I found this curious. He was so unhappy and this was his way out. But, he felt betrayed. It took months for him to recover and sometimes he has flashbacks that anger him. But, I think he's on the path of acceptance and recovery. Now I hear he lament about the years he's wasted and regrets. It's sad. It's heart wrenching. But, what do you do to fix something that's been broken for so long when one or neither party acknowledges the need?
I need to let this sit for a while.
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